It starts with the best intentions. A child struggles to zip up their coat, so you step in. A student forgets their homework, so you rush it to school. A teen faces a conflict with a peer, and you make the phone call to smooth things over.
You’re helping, right?
Actually—maybe not.
Rescuing children from discomfort, challenge, or even failure sends a powerful, unintended message: You can’t handle this. Over time, these seemingly small acts chip away at a child’s sense of competence and confidence. Instead of building self-esteem, we erode it.
The Rescue Reflex
Every teacher, parent, or caregiver has experienced the rescue reflex: the instinct to jump in, fix the problem, and shield a child from struggle. It’s driven by love, anxiety, or sometimes the pressure to maintain peace and order in a busy classroom or home. But when adults consistently remove natural consequences or avoid letting kids solve problems, children begin to internalize a damaging narrative:
“I’m not capable.”
“Adults need to do this for me.”
“If I try and fail, someone will step in and make it right.”
This narrative doesn’t prepare them for real life. It doesn’t build resilience, grit, or a true sense of self-worth.
The Psychology of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem doesn’t grow from praise or protection—it grows from mastery and agency. According to psychologist Albert Bandura, children develop self-efficacy—the belief in their own ability—through four main sources, the most powerful of which is mastery experiences: succeeding after effort, especially when the task was challenging.
Research by Dr. Carol Dweck on growth mindset underscores this point: children who are praised for effort and persistence, rather than for being “smart” or succeeding easily, are more likely to take on challenges and believe in their ability to improve.
When we rescue a child, we rob them of the opportunity to have a mastery experience. We make it about our success, not theirs.
The Danger of Over-Helping
Well-meaning overhelping is linked to anxiety and learned helplessness. In her book
“The Gift of Failure,” Jessica Lahey argues that when parents prevent children from experiencing failure, children lose the chance to learn essential life skills. Lahey writes:
“When we focus more on fixing a child’s problems than on teaching them how to fix their own, we make failure something to be feared.”
Fearful children don’t take risks. They don’t try new things. They don’t believe in themselves.
At Voyagers’, We Trust the Process
At Voyagers’ Community School, we live this belief every day. Our classrooms are not built around adult-led solutions but around student-led discovery. We allow students to struggle—with a math problem, a social situation, or a complex project—because we know that struggle is where confidence is born. We let children make mistakes, learn from them, and try again. We believe children deserve the space to be thinkers, tinkerers, and problem-solvers—not just passive recipients of help.
Rather than rescuing students, our teachers coach, question, and walk beside them. We say things like:
- “What have you tried so far?”
- “Would you like a suggestion from your classmates, or do you want to keep going on your own?”
- “How did you figure that out?”
These moments of autonomy are what empower children. And we see it every day—students growing more sure of themselves, more willing to take on challenges, and more confident in their voice and ideas.
In this environment, self-esteem doesn’t come from being told you’re smart—it comes from knowing you are capable.
So What Can We Do Instead?
Here’s what it looks like not to rescue—and still show love:
- Pause. When a child struggles, wait before jumping in. Ask, “What do you think you could try?”
- Mentor, don’t carry. Support them in problem-solving without doing it for them. “Would it help to break this into smaller steps?”
- Normalize struggle. Share your own experiences with failure. Let them see it’s a part of learning, not a sign of inadequacy.
- Celebrate effort. Acknowledge persistence, creativity, and courage more than outcomes.
- Let consequences teach. A forgotten lunch is a powerful (and usually safe) learning moment. Let it be.
The Long Game
Our goal isn’t short-term success—it’s long-term strength. We want children who can, not just children who are comfortable.
Let’s remember: every time a child figures something out for themselves, even if it’s clumsy or slow, they’re saying to themselves, “I can do this.” That voice is the root of true self-esteem. That voice is what carries them through life.
So the next time you feel the urge to swoop in and fix it, take a breath, step back, and smile with pride.
You’re giving them something far more valuable than a quick solution.
You’re giving them themselves.
References
- Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. W.H. Freeman.
- Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
- Lahey, J. (2015). The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. Harper.
- Skenazy, L. (2009). Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry. Jossey-Bass.
- Seligman, M. E. P. (1995). Learned Optimism. Vintage.